https://www.sohamtherapy.com/blog daily 0.75 2026-10-27 https://www.sohamtherapy.com/blog/retiring-the-good-girl-when-the-infrastructure-develops-a-self monthly 0.5 2026-10-27 https://images.squarespace-cdn.com/content/v1/683230e56acf0028ccd52787/275ca461-ad4d-44d1-a840-204040a04c7c/IMG_5060.jpg Blog - Retiring the Good Girl: When the Infrastructure Develops a Self I found myself searching through my twenties and thirties for what was wrong with me (as others put it) but the inner experience was more like: why am I always the ground and not the figure? Why do I feel so unseen even though I can be so unusual as person? The self was hard to extricate from being the background in the lives of others, even though the self itself seemed to at times stand out so starkly. At times I felt like useful, indispensible furniture; like an antique rocking chair, a family heirloom, idiosyncratic but essentially useful. This feeling of always being on the outside and yet simultaneously always dependent up on is still very hard to describe. At various points I would break through and years of grief would pour out to say: I am also here, how could you never see that? And immediately the relationship would be over. https://images.squarespace-cdn.com/content/v1/683230e56acf0028ccd52787/1793101846277-YZ75I41EETFE4BCOWIG6/dsc_1304.jpg Blog - Retiring the Good Girl: When the Infrastructure Develops a Self https://images.squarespace-cdn.com/content/v1/683230e56acf0028ccd52787/3ba1595e-92b3-4a63-ad94-1e6823fda161/IMG_5028.jpg Blog - Retiring the Good Girl: When the Infrastructure Develops a Self The value of girl is often understood through her anticipated capacity for care. There is a strange contradiction in some of the current cultural language in India through which daughters are defended. We insist that the girl child has value, but then rush to demonstrate that value through what she will eventually provide: daughters care for you and daughters stay we claim. The daughter must not be discarded; she is too useful. She will remember the birthdays, absorb the grief, accompany you to the hospital, keep the family together, become your confidante and eventually care for you when you are old. Her life is defended, but her separateness remains more difficult to tolerate. This is one of the ways in which the good girl is made. Her existence becomes permissible only through usefulness. 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